Tips for motorists in Italy

When driving in Italy - Consider these rules:

To all my Italiano friends - please take lightly - you are all excellent drivers!

It is an offence to put up one’s finger at another driver but you can:

• Drive in the boot of the car in front
• Wave your arms aggressively at the car in front – yes, BOTH arms – one doesn’t need to keep hold of the steering wheel when on Italian roads!
• Flash your headlights constantly at the driver in front – wash frequently to ensure brightest beams.
• Blow your horn- this needs to be done in a certain manner – little beeps are not acceptable – place the palm of your hand on the horn and ensure it remains there until either the driver of the car in front does one of the following:

                  a)     pulls over (and possibly disappears over a ravine) ....or

b)       has a heart attack – then you can overtake waving aggressively and shouting abuse...or

c)      puts a finger up at you in which case you are at liberty to overtake – (wait until a vehicle is coming in the other direction) – then accuse him of committing offence and phone the police.

• Overtake on a blind bend.
• On the autostrada  it is important to stay in the outside lane until the last minute before your exit and then cut across both lanes and take the exit.  You will know if you have executed this appropriately by the screeching of brakes and possible pile-up of cars.
• Do use your mobile phone at all times whilst driving.  This is particularly important when approaching hair-pin bends and overtaking.  To obtain an advanced certificate of driving you can also attempt to make a call whilst keeping your free hand on the horn.  
• Remember that your passengers are more important than the other drivers on the road.  They must have your undivided attention at all times.  It is unacceptable not to look at them, even if they are in the rear seat.
• Pedestrians should not be on the road.  Roads are for vehicles. After all there would be pavements if people were meant to be walking at the side of the road.   Therefore, on seeing a pedestrian act extremely surprised, continue at 150k and close your eyes. 
• If you have a motorbike ensure that the exhaust makes the loudest possible noise and drive through villages between 11pm and 6am.
• When parking do not use car-parks or other legally designated places.  Find a good tight bend in the road and then deposit your car keeping the keys in the ignition with engine running.  If you can’t find a suitable bend then double park so that you are blocking other vehicles.    
• Your vehicle should also be used to keep residents alert at night. First find a row of houses next to the road in a quiet village.  Then park outside but leave your lights and radio on.  It is preferable to leave all car windows open so the maximum amount of music is emitted.  You can then add to the volume by standing adjacent to your car and holding a conversation in the loudest voice possible, with your friends in the bar 100 yards up the road.